Friday, November 8, 2013

We got the call..

So just as I expected our results came back negative. Our doctor called and she gave us all of our options and hope for our next cycle. Just frustrated.  We told her we would call her by Monday after discussing options to let her know when and how we want to move forward.

Off to drink some wine,

Thursday, November 7, 2013

I Will Be A Wonderful Mom.

Another One Bites The Dust . .

            So we were implanted with an embryo last week.  Today I am 8dp5dt (8 days post 5 day transfer).  I just got back from a mini surprise vacation with my DH for my birthday.  It was a great place for some R&R.  We were hoping that it would be exactly what we needed while we weather the dreaded 2WW (2 week wait).  The 2ww is the time between your ET (embryo transfer) and your blood test to tell you whether or not you are pregnant.  2 weeks is such a long time.  You feel so many things happen to your body over this time period, and you decide a great idea is to google everything you are feeling.  My DH thinks that Google should be illegal to use during this time, and cannot believe that I have not run out of things to Google.  What I love about googling during this time is that it leads me to other blogs, or forums, or websites where women, who are going through the same struggles, are conversing about all of these things.  Twinges in their ovaries/CM/back ache/symptoms/when they get their BFN or BFP on their HPT (Home Pregnancy Tests) – it’s a great way to reassure myself that I have not gone crazy, and that there are plenty of other ladies out there thinking/researching/discussing/obsessing over the same things. 
            Anyways, we didn’t share much about this cycle with anyone this time around.  Of course there were a few people who knew we were starting the process, or that noticed I wasn’t drinking anymore (which is a dead giveaway that I must be prepping for another IVF cycle)  Well, we decided that third time would be our charm!  This time we would get our miracle baby.  We have grown so much over the past 2.5 years of TTC (Try To Conceive) , and now that we have learned so much God is definitely ready to bless us with our baby.  Well today is 8dp5dt.  I POAS yesterday and this morning and unfortunately… BFN.  Not even a tiny hint of a second line.  So this one didn’t work..  :/
            I’ll tell ya what though, a failed cycle is a lot easier to experience than what has happened the previous 2 cycles.  I could not handle another miscarriage right now.  I am thanking God today that He had it not work at all, rather than decide to have it stop working in 3 months.  
                Of course it ain’t over until AF (Aunt Flow) “sings” - - and she hasn’t, so who knows.  But I feel definite cramping.  Which of course could indicate AF, or a pregnancy. .  I was talking to DH by the pool the other day, and he was asking me what symptoms I was experiencing.  As I told them to him, he wanted to know if these were “good symptoms” (pregnancy symptoms) or “bad symptoms” (AF symptoms).  The kicker is . . 99% of all symptoms are a sign that you are both pregnant AND that AF is on the way.  It’s really quite annoying lol
                                Tomorrow is my blood test.  What I have found is that many women have tested BFN and got a call on blood work day saying that they are in fact pregnant.  I don’t feel pregnant.  I actually feel nothing, so I highly doubt that this is a possibility.  But at the end of the day, I am still holding out some hope that this could happen to me!  I go in tomorrow at 8am, and will get my call by 4pm. 
                And if that doesn’t go as planned . . Well here’s to a successful IVF #4.  I have one more frozen embryo left, so we may just go directly into a frozen cycle . . Won’t know for sure until we talk to our doctor next week.
                                              Frustrated & Hopeful,

Friday, October 11, 2013

Getting Excited

We don't know exactly when we will be starting our 3rd round of IVF but we do know that at any time we can choose to do so.  We told ourselves that we would enjoy our "Summer of Fun" and not think about anything regarding our next IVF cycle.  We told ourselves that we would reconvene in the Fall to figure out when we want to start again, etc.  Well let me tell you . . Fall came SO quickly.  We thought it would be such a struggle to not think and talk about this baby stuff all Summer, but it really wasn't.  I mean there were days that I was sad and would think about it briefly.  I also got a lot of testing out of the way this Summer so on those days there were thoughts about it, but all in all it was a carefree, amazing Summer.  It just left us so quickly!  So now that we are here, mid October, and it most definitely is Fall, we decided we should discuss again.  It's funny though, when we started talking about it we were both very much on the same page . . Let's wait.  We both thought the other would want to start IMMEDIATELY, but that wasn't the case... So we wait!  Not forever, not years, not any specific time at all.  We just knew that right this second wasn't what we wanted, and that it would be made obvious when the time is right.  And that excites me so much!  Who knows, it could be next month, or it could be a random day in January we decide it's time.  Either way . . when it's time, we'll know.


Monday, September 16, 2013

Infertility Jokes . .

Due Date

                So yesterday was my due date from my first pregnancy.  When I first found out I was pregnant I immediately started planning “To Do” Lists, and invite lists for the baby shower, and furniture for the nursery, etc.  I had pictures of every Pregnancy test I did, a secret wall on Pinterest with all of these great ideas for how to announce the pregnancy.  DH and I finalized some names we really loved, etc.  Anyways, after each of the miscarriages I would delete all of these things so that there was no evidence of a pregnancy after that.  (Just in case I had a sad day and stumbled upon one of my many lists)  Well, apparently I forgot to delete one thing.  My due date reminder in my calendar.  I ended up having a really great day, but when that notification randomly popped up on my phone that morning. . it was a little upsetting.  It is crazy to think how different my life would be today if that was the case.  Not saying that the life I have isn’t as good because I don’t have that baby yet . . because I truly don’t believe that is the case.  I love our life.  It’s Just Different.
                                                                Thanks for reading,

This Doctor Must Be Joking...

              So DH and I went to a doctor yesterday that specializes in High Risk Pregnancies.  We were instructed to go there by our RE.  When my DH and I arrived at the doctor’s office, we were a little anxious as to what she was going to tell us.  But I had all of my questions written down as to ensure I don’t forget what I wanted to as while in there with her full attention.  She started off telling me that she only has the results to my blood work and doesn’t know a lot about my medical history and my family’s medical history.  She first asked me about my sisters.  She then started asking me questions about my mother, her sisters, her parents, and even her grandparents.  Then she continued with questions about my father, his siblings, parents, etc.  Some of the questions I could answer.. some I could not.  The doctor seemed perturbed that I wasn’t able to answer all of the questions.  Umm . . I’m sorry that I don’t know whether my Great Grandmother ever had a miscarriage.  And I am very sorry I don’t know the full history on everyone’s blood work.  Anyways she then asked the same questions to DH. 

                Before I continue I should tell you that the reason our RE wanted us to go to this appointment was to see what dosage of Heparin, or Lovenox (another form of Heparin) I would be prescribed once I get pregnant.  This will hopefully help prevent a third miscarriage.

                After about 35 minutes of going through both of our medical histories as well as our family’s medical history she just sat there for a few seconds and stared at her paper that she was taking notes on.  She then looked up for her paper and said, “Well … I don’t know why you two were sent to see me.  I don’t believe you should be on either of these drugs, and I am confused as to what your doctor is referring to.”  So now, I am one, in shock; and two a little discouraged.  We were really hoping that she would tell us that she had something she could do for us so that we won’t have to go through another pregnancy loss.  Unfortunately that did not seem to be what was going to happen.  She then started saying things like, “Well, maybe I can send a list of tests to your doctor so that way she can have more information.”  Or, “I only have the results to 3 tests here, I sure hope there was more than that done, but who knows.”  Ummm, excuse doctor, my RE is ranked one of the top 3 Fertility Doctors in Boston.  She has her shit together.  Secondly, I can tell you that she has given me every blood test known to man.  I think there was a good 20 vials of blood when I was tested most recently.  That doesn’t include the 5 other PANELS of blood tests I have done.  So no, I don’t think she skimped out on any tests, and the reason you only have 3 of the results in front you is because those are the tests that came back positive.  Do you seriously think that she only gave me 3 tests, and all of them happen to be positive?  Don't you had a M.D.?  Don't worry, the best part of this appointment is coming up.  

So she told me that since I "have only had two miscarriages," she doesn't believe I should be on this protocol yet, and that when a 3rd miscarriage occurs, then she will put me on the meds.  Ummmm, excuse me.  If you think I am going to have a 3rd, why wouldn't we do everything we could to prevent that?  And then my favorite quote occurred, "I know your miscarriages were probably pretty upsetting, but do you know what is really heartbreaking?"  ((Ummm . . no, what?))  "If you were 35 and having these miscarriages."  Right because a miscarriage at 27 doesn’t hurt?  I’m confused.  Now don't get me wrong . . I am not looking for a doctor to hold my hand or rub my back when it comes to these topics, but please have a LITTLE compassion.  My RE isn’t mushy, or a “feel good” doctor.  She’s to the point.  We make a plan together and very matter of factly she tells me what is going to happen, or what has happened and then we figure out what the next step is.   But I have NEVER felt as if she was degrading the way I felt about something.  I know there are PLENTY of woman out there going through the same things that I am right now.  I also know that there are 35 year old woman going through this as well.  But this is MY reality.  I’m NOT 35.  I’m 27.  And I am allowed to think that this is heartbreaking.  I don’t dwell on it in my day-to-day living, but when they happened, they were heartbreaking.  

Needless to say, I will not be signing on with her as my high-risk doctor.

Otherwise, I am feeling very hopeful.  I am feeling very healthy right now, and I am down about 14 pounds since my last m/c and feel that this is a positive thing for my next cycle.  I know when the timing is right, it will happen.  And I can NOT wait for that!
                                    Faith can move mountains,

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

More Results.

                So we went to the RE to get an update on our latest test results, and to see what our timeline would be for the next cycle.  I learned quite a few things at this appointment.  First of all, I am at high risk for a late 2nd and 3rd trimester still birth.  Because of the Factor V Mutation my blood has a high likelihood of clotting and stopping all nutrients etc. from getting to the fetus.  I am also at high risk of death due to clotting through delivery, and post-partum.  I will have to have a “High Risk” Specialty Doctor to follow me in addition to my regular OB throughout and post pregnancy.  I will be monitored on a more frequent basis throughout.  We were also advised to only implant 1 embryo this cycle rather than 2 (like we did on our 2nd try).  Getting pregnant with multiples will highly increase the chances of serious complications.

                Needless to say we were a little shaken by all of this information.  I know that the thought, “should we just quit while we are behind,” passed through my mind as well as DH, but neither of us dared to say it out loud.  And of course, after the thought passed through it was never thought about again; it’s not an option right now.  I don’t think that would be a serious option until something went seriously wrong.  I think that the biggest realization is that we will not ever be getting to that point of “relaxing” throughout the pregnancy.  We thought that once we can finally STAY pregnant through that first trimester, we would be in the clear.  Obviously, that is not the case.  We will continue to keep plugging.  I have an appointment with a Hematologist (Blood Specialist) to figure out more in depth what the protocol will be.  They will be able to better understand what medications will help prevent some of these issues while TTC, during pregnancy, and afterwards.  Until then . . we will have to have a lot of patience, prayer, and wine of course. 

                                                                Prayers are welcome,