Our Story

Love Is Like A River

Flows Hard And Deep And Strong

Makes Us See So Clearly

Why All The Others Were So Wrong

You Keep Moving Forward

With No Chance To Turn Around

The Flow Will Overcome You

Your Contentment Has Been Found

And When Its Moving Slowly

A Chance To Catch Your Breath

You've Found the One Your Heart Desires

To Be With Until Death

You "Try" For Fun And Wait

Every Month You Pee Then Pray

Maybe This Time A Positive

Could Today Be The Day?

You Realize After Months

Something May Be Wrong

But, "You're Too Young To Worry"

I'm Sure It Won't Be Long

You Wait A Little Longer

Still No Hope In Sight

You Start To Think, "What's Wrong With Me?"

Something Can't Be Right

They Question You And Test You

Til You Have No More To Give

You Wonder If It's All Your Fault

And If Your Spouse Will Forgive

You Go Through All The Motions

Until The Answer's Clear

Your Fear Of Needing IVF

Are The Exact Words That You Hear

Surgeries And Needles

Are Your Normal Day To Day

And Everyone's Always Asking You

"When's Your Baby On The Way?"

You Answer With A Smile

You Say Our Time Will Come

A Subject You Used To Love

You Now Avoid And Stay Far From

The First Cycle Worked

Two Lines On That Glorious Stick

After Two Long Years

A Baby Name We Will Finally Pick

Our Dreams Are Tragically Ended

An Unwelcomed Guest "Aunt Flow"

 The Heart Ache That We Feel

Is One We Wished We'd Never Know

The Pain I Feel In My Heart

Hurts To My Inner Core

I'd Give Anything For A Baby Now

Let's Go For It Once More

Another Positive Test!

This Seems Too Good To Be True

Again Aunt Flow Comes 8 Weeks In

A Pain I'd Share With Few

Again Our Baby's Taken

Why Us?  Why Again?  Not Fair!

People Tell Us To Have Patience

But All We're Left With Is Despair

A Break From This Is What We Need

Lets Travel And Have A Drink

And Yes A Blast Is What We Had

But Couldn't Help Think, "Blue or Pink"

People Told Us Just Relax

It Will Happen In Due Time

Oh, Our Medical Issues Will Disappear?

Their Advice Wasn't Worth My Time

Though Their Ignorance Was Tough To Bare

Most Meant Well With What They Said

For Soon Another Cycles Here

So For Now I Will Rest My Head

Cycle Three, Here It Is

Let Start The Meds And Shots

Let Pray For A Baby This Time

Before My Uterus Rots

This Cycle Failed

I Knew It From The Start

God Can You Hear Me??

All I Hear Is My Breaking Heart

The Tears Won't Stop Streaming

It's Like God Doesn't Hear My Prayer

Can Anybody Hear Us?!

Life With No Baby Is Our Fear

I'm Coming To My Breaking Point

How Much More Can My Body Take

Will This Ever Work For Me?

Or Is A Baby Something I Can't Make

I'll Give It One More Try For Now

But With My Expectations Low

If This One Doesn't Work

There'll Be More Wines I'll Get To Know

We Wait And Wait Then Finally

Two Lines Are On That Stick

Praying New Meds And Acupuncture

Are What Do The Trick

Palms Are Sweaty, The Ride's So Long

Will A Heartbeat Be There?

Or Will The Sound Of Silence

Be The Only Thing We Hear?

The Sound Came Out Clear As Day

It Was The Most Beautiful Sound I've Heard

Eyes Tearing Up, Hands Held So Tight

We Celebrated Without A Word

Here We Are Twenty Weeks Along

I Can't Believe We've Made It This Far

It's Been All Good News This Time Around

No Mourning At The Bar

Boy Or Girl We Do Not Know

Nor Do We Have A Care

As Long As Baby's Healthy And Happy

This Amazing Life With Them We'll Share

Can't Wait For The Day When I See Their Face

Staring Back Up At Mine

How Far We've Come From When All We Wanted

Was A Second Little Pink Line

Lindsay

Negativity

So clearly if you are here reading this, you most likely know our story with infertility.  Or at least the general idea of what we have had to do to get to where we are today with this pregnancy.  Which by the way is over 21 weeks along!  I can't believe it! 

Anyway, I have to warn you that this is a bit of a rant.  It literally makes my skin crawl when a talk/text/message/email conversation goes something like this:

Other Party:  How are you feeling?

Me:  Great, just tired.

Other Party:  Get your sleep now.  You won't be getting any once the baby is here.

OR

Me:  Things have been going well.  I have been sleeping a lot but hubby is taking amazing care of me.

Other Party:  Enjoy the attention now.  Once that baby comes it will be all about him/her.

OR

Other Party:  How was your day?

Me:  Great!  I got a prenatal massage which has helped so much with my back pain/tension migraines!

Other Party:  Get your massages now because once that baby comes you won't have the time or the means to pamper yourself like that.  Your priorities will be different.

FIRST OFF!!  Thank you!  I never once thought to myself that I may lose some sleep once the baby comes.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I am going to lose sleep?  Is it too late to change my mind?  Glad you warned me!

Also, thank you for pointing out that my needs and my husbands needs will completely vanish once the baby arrives.  I am so glad you are telling me that we will have to put our attention on him or her.  I thought he/she could just care of themselves, no?  They are helpless tiny humans that need us for everything?  Thank you so much for telling me!  What would I do without you!?  

LASTLY, (almost) - I am so happy to know I will have no time on my hands and will be broke once my baby arrives.  Thank you.  

Maybe, just MAYBE I have thought this through ahead of time.  Maybe we BOTH agree that giving each other some alone time each day should be a PRIORITY in our lives.  MAYBE you didn't have a spouse that would literally give up their life to make you more comfortable, but I know for a fact that I would do that for my husband as he would for me. MAYBE my needs and my husbands needs will still be a priority in our lives.  BY NO MEANS a top priority, but a priority nonetheless.  You do realize that if we allowed each other to whither away miserably - all that would be is a detriment to our child's life.  Maybe our life won't end up as miserable as yours apparently was - or as miserable as you perceived it to be.

LASTLY (for real this time) - THANK YOU!  Thank you for taking one of the most exciting, positive times in our lives and pointing out all of the "negative" side effects.  Thank you for showing me that these past 4 years of torture to conceive were basically just to sign up for another 18 years of torture.  18 sleepless, uncomfortable, broke, miserable years.  I can't wait.  That's exactly what we were thinking when we wanted to start a family.  Thank you for warning me that my marriage will go down the tubes, and we will most likely become miserable parenting robots.

I realize that this will not be all rainbows and butterflies.  If ANYONE realizes this, it's us.  We know that we are going to have to roll with the punches and take life as it is thrown at us.  TRUST ME, WE KNOW!  We also know that we are going to screw up at times.  Probably a lot.  But we have each other to help put the pieces back together.  But again, Thank you. 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe I just CAN NOT WAIT to have a reason to lose sleep?  A little tiny, crying miracle reason to wake me up every 2 hours!  Did you ever stop to think that maybe I tortured my body for the past 4 years so that I can no longer be top priority in my own life on purpose?  I would have literally given up everything to have the opportunity to not have enough time for me to go get a massage.  I would have literally given my health up to ensure a little human will be in our lives to take away our sleep, our money and our time.  But that's not how I look at it.  AT ALL.  I look at it as an amazing opportunity that I have been beyond blessed to encounter.  That a baby, a tiny human, is growing inside of me and ALREADY depends on my health, my nutrition, and my care to survive.  Leaving a mark on this world by bringing up a healthy, happy child is something I could have only dreamed about and will soon be a reality. 

So please, the next time your speak to a pregnant woman - how about your join in on the positive side of things, about the miracle that is about to occur?  Let her enjoy what's happening in the present moment, rather than tell her all you know about what is going to happen next.  How about you let her excitement be your excitement, rather than bring her down with your crappy words of "wisdom."  

19 weeks from no sleep,

Lindsay

Gender Reveal . .

So this post looked completely different while I was working on it a few nights ago.  It was going through all of my exciting ideas, picture of decor, color themed foods, drinks and snacks, as well as Gender Reveal Party Favors... But now, I am able to happily say that we will not be finding out the sex of Baby A until his/her arrival!

I am elated!  I know DH wanted to find out pretty badly, so in true compromise fashion we agreed that if we found out, we would wait until July (Even though that was 7 weeks after we could have found out) - We were going to release balloons, and have a Team Pink/Team Blue themed gender reveal cookout with about 30-40 of our friends and family.  I am sad that the balloon release will not be happening, because I feel that the entire feel of the part was going to be amazing, but on the other hand I am so excited!  

I can not wait to be driving to the hospital without a clue as to who we will be meeting in just a few (hopefully) short hours!  The feeling DH will have when he gets to go into the waiting room and announce, "It's a _____!!!" to all of our friends and family who have come to welcome the new baby into our family.  And of course hand out cigars with the appropriate label on it.

Well I am so happy that DH decided he wanted to wait as well!!

By the way - tomorrow is our "20 weeks anatomy scan!"  Although I won't be quite 20 weeks, I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  This is going by so fast!  So rather than having the doctor or u/s tech check off the girl or boy box and seal it in the envelope - we will immediately be telling them that we do not want to know!

Momma to be,

Lindsay

Viable Pregnancy?

DH and I had never gotten to the point that we were able to hear a heartbeat from our little bean in the past.  When the time came for DH and I to go to our fertility clinic to check for a heartbeat which would make this a "viable pregnancy" - we were nervous to say the least.  We prayed that this would be our miracle, and that if it wasn't that we would be given the strength the handle the situation.  Although, if I am being completely honest, I did not think I would be able to handle it at all.  I thought to myself, "This is when I will go off the deep end." - Luckily, everything looked GREAT!  No Deep End for this girl!

Before we go to check for a heart beat we had 4 blood draws, which all indicated a positive pregnancy.  40 pregnancy tests by that point to ensure I was still pregnant and that the line continued to get darker as each day passed.  But of course, that had happened before with other IVF cycles, but around the time of hearing the heartbeat . . a miscarriage had occurred.  So we knew that we hadn't suffered a "loss" yet, but we were hoping and praying that there was at least 1 healthy little heart beating away.  

We transferred 2 embryos, and DH was hoping that both embryos took and that I was pregnant with twins.  And by hoping, we was outwardly wishing this and praying for it daily.  Ha!  If there were 2 heartbeats in there, I would have been ECSTATIC.  But again, if I am being honest - I was silently hoping and praying for just 1 healthy little bean.  There were pros and cons of each side, and we would love to have 2 children, but 2 at once seemed a little overwhelming - and with some of my blood conditions - multiples would cause a risk for issues along the way.  Anyway, when we got to the doctors and I was laying there waiting for my doctor to come in and do the ultrasound, I was thinking of how much our lives could change in the next 5 minutes.  We could actually be pregnant with the baby(ies) we have been working our asses off to get for the past 3-4 years, or I would end up probably, slightly, definitely binge drinking for a little while. (months if I were to predict - Ha!) - I also wondered how I would react to either scenario with the doctor in the room - Will I cry either way?  Will I get angry?  Either way I was sick of waiting and was not being very patient and all I wanted was the doctor in the room now so that we could find out if everything is good, or if the worst has happened.  Having hubby there by my side definitely calmed me down, and he was so reassuring that everything was going to be perfectly fine and that both little beans are so comfortable and healthy.  God bless him for being so great while I wasn't - but I could tell that he didn't really believe himself either - or at least there was a little doubt.

The doctor came in.  Got right to it... and BOOM - Our lives were changed forever.  A heartbeat.  A single, healthy, beautiful, most amazing sound I have ever heard is beating.  It was music to our ears.  Of course DH was still wondering if there was another heartbeat somewhere in there, but there wasn't ha. 

It's crazy that one sound can make all of the struggles beforehand seem like they never happened.  I would go through it all again knowing what I know now.  It all seemed surreal.  I knew we weren't out of the woods yet.  That with a history of multiple miscarriages we were at risk for another.  But for that moment, that day - it seemed like none of that mattered and I was PREGNANT.  Finally.

Happy and Pregnant,

Lindsay