This Doctor Must Be Joking...

              So DH and I went to a doctor yesterday that specializes in High Risk Pregnancies.  We were instructed to go there by our RE.  When my DH and I arrived at the doctor’s office, we were a little anxious as to what she was going to tell us.  But I had all of my questions written down as to ensure I don’t forget what I wanted to as while in there with her full attention.  She started off telling me that she only has the results to my blood work and doesn’t know a lot about my medical history and my family’s medical history.  She first asked me about my sisters.  She then started asking me questions about my mother, her sisters, her parents, and even her grandparents.  Then she continued with questions about my father, his siblings, parents, etc.  Some of the questions I could answer.. some I could not.  The doctor seemed perturbed that I wasn’t able to answer all of the questions.  Umm . . I’m sorry that I don’t know whether my Great Grandmother ever had a miscarriage.  And I am very sorry I don’t know the full history on everyone’s blood work.  Anyways she then asked the same questions to DH. 

                Before I continue I should tell you that the reason our RE wanted us to go to this appointment was to see what dosage of Heparin, or Lovenox (another form of Heparin) I would be prescribed once I get pregnant.  This will hopefully help prevent a third miscarriage.

                After about 35 minutes of going through both of our medical histories as well as our family’s medical history she just sat there for a few seconds and stared at her paper that she was taking notes on.  She then looked up for her paper and said, “Well … I don’t know why you two were sent to see me.  I don’t believe you should be on either of these drugs, and I am confused as to what your doctor is referring to.”  So now, I am one, in shock; and two a little discouraged.  We were really hoping that she would tell us that she had something she could do for us so that we won’t have to go through another pregnancy loss.  Unfortunately that did not seem to be what was going to happen.  She then started saying things like, “Well, maybe I can send a list of tests to your doctor so that way she can have more information.”  Or, “I only have the results to 3 tests here, I sure hope there was more than that done, but who knows.”  Ummm, excuse doctor, my RE is ranked one of the top 3 Fertility Doctors in Boston.  She has her shit together.  Secondly, I can tell you that she has given me every blood test known to man.  I think there was a good 20 vials of blood when I was tested most recently.  That doesn’t include the 5 other PANELS of blood tests I have done.  So no, I don’t think she skimped out on any tests, and the reason you only have 3 of the results in front you is because those are the tests that came back positive.  Do you seriously think that she only gave me 3 tests, and all of them happen to be positive?  Don't you had a M.D.?  Don't worry, the best part of this appointment is coming up.  

So she told me that since I "have only had two miscarriages," she doesn't believe I should be on this protocol yet, and that when a 3rd miscarriage occurs, then she will put me on the meds.  Ummmm, excuse me.  If you think I am going to have a 3rd, why wouldn't we do everything we could to prevent that?  And then my favorite quote occurred, "I know your miscarriages were probably pretty upsetting, but do you know what is really heartbreaking?"  ((Ummm . . no, what?))  "If you were 35 and having these miscarriages."  Right because a miscarriage at 27 doesn’t hurt?  I’m confused.  Now don't get me wrong . . I am not looking for a doctor to hold my hand or rub my back when it comes to these topics, but please have a LITTLE compassion.  My RE isn’t mushy, or a “feel good” doctor.  She’s to the point.  We make a plan together and very matter of factly she tells me what is going to happen, or what has happened and then we figure out what the next step is.   But I have NEVER felt as if she was degrading the way I felt about something.  I know there are PLENTY of woman out there going through the same things that I am right now.  I also know that there are 35 year old woman going through this as well.  But this is MY reality.  I’m NOT 35.  I’m 27.  And I am allowed to think that this is heartbreaking.  I don’t dwell on it in my day-to-day living, but when they happened, they were heartbreaking.  

Needless to say, I will not be signing on with her as my high-risk doctor.

Otherwise, I am feeling very hopeful.  I am feeling very healthy right now, and I am down about 14 pounds since my last m/c and feel that this is a positive thing for my next cycle.  I know when the timing is right, it will happen.  And I can NOT wait for that!

 

                                    Faith can move mountains,

                                                Lindsay

More Results.

                So we went to the RE to get an update on our latest test results, and to see what our timeline would be for the next cycle.  I learned quite a few things at this appointment.  First of all, I am at high risk for a late 2^nd and 3^rd trimester still birth.  Because of the Factor V Mutation my blood has a high likelihood of clotting and stopping all nutrients etc. from getting to the fetus.  I am also at high risk of death due to clotting through delivery, and post-partum.  I will have to have a “High Risk” Specialty Doctor to follow me in addition to my regular OB throughout and post pregnancy.  I will be monitored on a more frequent basis throughout.  We were also advised to only implant 1 embryo this cycle rather than 2 (like we did on our 2^nd try).  Getting pregnant with multiples will highly increase the chances of serious complications.

                Needless to say we were a little shaken by all of this information.  I know that the thought, “should we just quit while we are behind,” passed through my mind as well as DH, but neither of us dared to say it out loud.  And of course, after the thought passed through it was never thought about again; it’s not an option right now.  I don’t think that would be a serious option until something went seriously wrong.  I think that the biggest realization is that we will not ever be getting to that point of “relaxing” throughout the pregnancy.  We thought that once we can finally STAY pregnant through that first trimester, we would be in the clear.  Obviously, that is not the case.  We will continue to keep plugging.  I have an appointment with a Hematologist (Blood Specialist) to figure out more in depth what the protocol will be.  They will be able to better understand what medications will help prevent some of these issues while TTC, during pregnancy, and afterwards.  Until then . . we will have to have a lot of patience, prayer, and wine of course. 

                                                                Prayers are welcome,

                                                                                Lindsay

One of those infertile days . .

I decided it was a good idea to get the ball rolling for our 3rd round of IVF. We haven't decided when to start yet or anything, we just want to know what to expect the 3rd time around. Because of the 2 previous failed attempts they are changing up the protocol on which drugs, meds, and vitamins I should be on etc. I haven't been on here for a while, and I thought I would just check in.

We have had an amazing Summer. The "Summer of Fun" as I have been calling it. And I am happy to report it has been just that. I have travelled for fun, travelled to volunteer, shopping trips, road trips, fun at the lake house, went to concerts, worked on my golf game as well as my tan at our beach club, started a new career that I am in love with, and got to see my best friend since childhood get married. We have had a blast.

I don't have too much to update you on in regards to our fertility situation, or the lack thereof. The one thing that my doctor recommended after my last miscarriage was an RPL panel. (Repeat Pregnancy Loss Panel) An RPL Panel is basically a panel of blood tests that check into my genetic makeup even more. DH already had these tests done back when he got his results back with such astonishing low counts, etc. Well when they did these tests on me, they found that I have a genetic blood disorder which they call a Factor 5 Mutation. Long story short, this is a blood clotting issue. The other issue they found is called M.T.F.R. (initials for a long word I can't even say, never mind spell it out) - but basically this causes my enzymes to not synthesize correctly. These two issues combined leave me at high risk for death in delivery. Luckily, they found this! Now they will ensure that they can do everything they can to make sure these issues do not affect my pregnancy or my health during delivery. Anywho, I am finding out what vitamins and meds I should start taking just to get my body fully prepared for this next cycle and to hopefully assist my body in being able to carry full term.

We are excited, hopeful, anxious, and relaxed all at the same time. Excited and hopeful because 3rd time could be the charm =). Anxious, because it is all such an unknown, and relaxed because everything happens for a reason, when it's time to start this next cycle . . we'll know. After our last miscarriage we said things like, "everything happens for a reason," or "this clearly wasn't God's timing for us," and lastly, "the right thing at the wrong time is still wrong." And yes, we both believe all of those things, but mostly we were saying these "cliché" sayings to make ourselves feel better about the sad situation we were dealing with. Well, wouldn't ya know, if I had went full term with this last pregnancy, we would not have known about these blood issues, and who knows if I would have made it. So we are very thankful that our doctors found out what they did and performed the appropriate tests to hopefully avoid any disasters.

The true reason I posted today . . I needed to. I had to get some of these things on paper and off my chest. I am having such an off day, and sometimes I just need to vent. It's tough to call people and vent about this (other than my DH) - nobody really knows what to say. People who haven't been through this before don't understand always. I have some really great family members who genuinely care and love to hear about all that’s going on, good and bad. They ask such great questions, and some have even gone as far as doing their own research and sending me some information that I may like or they think may help. I appreciate all of that so much. But sometimes a computer screen is where I want to vent. So between this post, hugs from DH, and keeping in touch with "The Big Guy" today . . I know tomorrow will be a better day.

Hope and tears,

Lindsay

 

Results.

                Well, we had 2 embryos transferred back in February.  And it was the longest waiting game ever.  I POAS a lot earlier than the actual Beta (Blood Pregnancy Test) Test that my RE schedules for me, which can be a good thing and a very bad thing at the same time.  A test line can be very faint, which may lead you to believe that you are pregnant and the hormone just isn’t strong enough, you may receive a false negative which may leave you feeling disappointed, even though it was just too early.  A faint line also may mean a chemical pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy.  So I believe that the reason doctors don’t suggest POAS before the Beta test is because it can cause unnecessary worry and stress that probably won’t help you as a hopeful mom.  Well . . needless to say, I COMPLETELY ignore that advice and POAS as soon as I think I can.  This time it happened to be at around 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer).  And I got the slightest faintest line.  I happened to POAS at approx. 3:00 in the morning and proceeded to wake hubby pants up and ask him if he could see the line . . Just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, or going crazy.  Well, hubby saw the VERY faint line.  So at this point, your levels are supposed to double every 48 hours (approximately), so the hope is that the second line will continue to get darker and darker until the second line is just as dark as the test line.  I decided I would check every 24 hours (or 12, what’s the difference?).  So I POAS about every 12 hours or so for the next 8 days, and you won’t believe it!!  The line got progressively darker with EVERY pee.  We were ecstatic!  We were cautiously optimistic.  We still had to wait for the first blood test so that we could find out that our numbers were at a healthy level. 

This was our progression

This was the morning of our 1st Beta test =)

                We went in for Beta test #1, and they were expecting a beta level of approximately 50.  My number was 45.  The second test done about 4 days later should have been anywhere from 160-200.  My number was a 180.  At this point we were shocked.  Our numbers are doing what they are ACTUALLY supposed to be doing.. So, although early, we decided we could go ahead and tell our immediate family.  My youngest sister was the first to find out that yes, we are pregnant, but we still need to remain cautiously optimistic.  Then our parents and other siblings were to follow.  But those were the only people at this time we thought it would be appropriate to share the news with, due to the high risk we were still at.  The next Beta test was approx. 4.5 days later, and our number should have been anywhere from 700-1100.  My number was an 1190!  We couldn’t believe it.  Our RE said that we are almost out of the woods.  We had another week to see the heartbeat, and at that point I would graduate from my RE and be a regular pregnant lady being seen by an OB.  We were thrilled.  I had so much fun telling my family.  It was really exciting to share our moment with them.  It was also awesome having that secret between DH and I for a little bit.  Just us.  <3

                Well that night after our final Beta Test, I stayed at my cousin’s house.  I unfortunately realized that there was quite a bit of blood that “had occurred” right before I was going to bed.  (around midnight)  I called my cousin into the room and asked what she thought I should do.  (I’ve never had this happen, and she has 3 little ones, and figured she would know what was best to do)  I called the on-call doctor and was informed that this is actually quite common for women in their first trimester.  I informed her that it was quite a lot, and it was definitely NOT just some spotting.  She told me that some women have a full fledged AF during their first trimester.  She advised me to relax as much as I could, and to keep my feet up until the bleeding has subsided.  I did just that, and fortunately the bleeding stopped the next morning, and just continued as brown spotting Saturday and a tiny slight amount of spotting Sunday/Monday.

That Monday I called my RE and asked if I could come in for an extra Beta test and possibly an U/S to check out everything that was going on.  They agreed upon a Beta Test, but said they weren’t sure that an U/S would help anything because a heartbeat would possibly still not be able to be heard.  I politely asked a few more times.  They agreed.  (Thank God)  They checked my cervix first, and the doctor said it was closed, which is a really good thing!  She said there was no blood found in there, which means it has completely subsided.  I did not have a full bladder so the U/S was not much help.  BUT . . we saw what she thought looked like a gestational sac.  She said she couldn’t confirm but the cervix being closed is a good thing, and the results from the Beta test that I would get that afternoon will give us the definite answer.  It was a long 5 hours to wait!

My RE called, and I could tell by her voice IMMEDIATELY that something was not right.  I knew before she said anything with any factual evidence stating what the results were, that this was not good news that I was going to be receiving.  To have DH standing by me and waiting to see my reaction, and not knowing how I would actually react if those dreaded words, that I think I am about to hear, ACTUALLY come out of the RE’s mouth was just so much for me to handle all at once.  She was not the RE that took my call on Friday night at Midnight, which was one of the other 2 RE’s in the practice.  She was not the RE that took my U/S and cervix exam that morning, which was the 3^rd RE in that practice.  This was our RE we have been working with closely for the past 8 months or so.  She decided to review what had happened over the weekend, and asked me a few questions first.  I don’t remember how I answered I was just a blur of anxiety at that point.  She then informed me that my levels had dropped substantially down to 215, which means that I had miscarried.  UGH.  We couldn’t believe it.  I was in shock when I first hung up.  We went from the highest of highs that I have ever experienced, to the lowest of lows in minutes.  I don’t remember the minute or two after hanging up with the doctor. I do remember staring into space and not allowing DH to hug me at first, and chugging an entire bottle of water...  Then I broke down in hubby’s arms. 

The last week has been a grieving process unlike anything I have ever experienced.  It is all a part of the healing process as well.  

We booked an appointment for a consult for round #3.  I think I am going to take a little time off.  I think I am going to take some ME time, but we want a plan and a timeline.  This hasn’t been easy, but someday I hope to look back and say, “it was SO worth it.”  That’s what is keeping me going . . a bunch of Hope and faith.  This is quite a long and emotional post, so I will be back in the next few days to finish up with the story, and let you know what is going on with round #3.

Thank you all for following along on this journey that we are on, and I am so sorry that I didn’t have some exciting news to share with you all.

                                                                -Lindsay

P.S. - if you don't know what any of my abbreviations mean, you can always look it up on My Abbreviation Index.

The Other Side

             Let me introduce myself as DH, the luckiest man alive!  I want to start by saying how proud and appreciative I am of Lindsay for going through this whole process.  I knew very little about IVF before we ever decided to see an RE.  I guess I just thought it was a sperm and an egg put together and implanted inside the woman.  All the shots, pills, hormones, surgeries, invasive examinations, and lifestyle limitations came as a little bit of a surprise you could say.  That’s why I am so proud of BW (beautiful wife) for going through all of this to try and bring a child into our lives.  I’m not sure I could handle it as well as her if it were me that had to do it.  

 

The process started this past summer/fall when we decided to see a doctor about infertility.  At that time we had been trying, or not trying to stop getting pregnant for about 2 years.  I didn’t really feel we had a problem at that point, and just figured in time it would happen.  Well, I was wrong.  The Doc sent me for a sperm analysis and my BW for a bunch of tests much more invasive than mine.  My numbers came back very low, and with low motility.  I didn’t understand it because I am only 30 years old and lead a relatively healthy lifestyle.  All my life I think I took it for granted I would get married and have kids whenever we were ready and as many as we wanted.  Looking back on it now I know that I would not have appreciated the miracle of a pregnancy and all that goes into it as much as I do now.  That has certainly been the blessing of this situation.

I had a couple of more tests done in the following months after trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, but to no avail.  My numbers got slightly better one time, but went back down the next.  Off to the urologist to see what the cause of my issue is.  Turns out I have varicoceles, dilation of my veins near the testis that allows blood to pool which creates heat that kills my sperm.  Surgery can fix this condition, but is not guaranteed to improve my fertility problems.  There was a good chance it would improve it, but again it might not have been enough to make a baby naturally.  

We met with the RE again to put together all the info and decided to go for it right away with IVF and put off my surgery for the time being.  The meeting left us with very positive feelings towards IVF working, and elated to know that we could possibly have a baby growing in less than a month.  I was also happy I did not have to have surgery immediately.  I have never had any surgery, and the thought of it is certainly intimidating to me.  I do not like the thought of blood or needles never mind actually getting incisions in my man area.  Nevertheless I would have and still will do it if it is going to help us have a child.

Now the fun begins.  After a couple of weeks on birth control to reset her system Lindsay begins with the IVF drugs.  She had to inject herself twice a day by needle in the stomach.  Again needles are probably my least favorite thing ever.  When I give blood I cannot watch anything.  I figure if I don’t see it, it’s not happening.  I know, I am a wimp.  This is one reason I am so proud of Lindsay, she handled everything like a champ.  Now there were more frequent visits to the RE to monitor everything.  I looked forward to these visits because they were part of our baby making journey.  Although it was a little awkward watching another woman probing my wife with a sword like instrument.  Again, if you don’t look at it directly, it’s not happening.  A point of concern arose during these ultrasounds.  Lindsay had what looked like a cyst either attached to her ovary or very close to it.  This seemed scary, but the doctor gave the ok to continue the process while monitoring the cyst.  We did monitor it, but I think it took a back seat to the fact BW had so many healthy eggs developing.

While BW definitely was handling everything like a champ she was definitely feeling some painful effects.  The injection areas were sore and the bloating was extremely painful for her.  I definitely don’t like to see her in pain, especially when I can’t do much to help her.  It’s amazing to me that she would go through all of this to have a child with me.  I am truly blessed to have her as my wife.  After two weeks of this it was time for the egg retrieval.  BW had to get knocked out so they could get her eggs.  Again, this stuff makes me uneasy, but through my faith I knew all would be ok.  After giving my sample and a little wait all was well because my BW was back in her room alive and healthy, although a little loopy haha.  The doctors came back with very good news that they retrieved 22 eggs and that although my count was still low they were able to find some sperm that should were good enough to create an embryo with BW’s egg.  We were both very excited about this.  

We had thought that during the retrieval they were going to examine and possibly take out the cyst near BW’s ovary, but that did not happen.  The doctors were monitoring it, but did not seem too concerned about it at this point.  BW then singlehandedly boosted the stock value of Gatorade and every protein bar imaginable.  She was instructed to stay extremely hydrated with electrolytes and protein to help prevent bloating.  She did as instructed, but was still feeling poorly from the bloating.  Again this was tough to watch because I couldn’t do anything to help her.  We received more good news though that we had created 14 embryos!  It was crazy to think we had 14 potential babies of ours in a Petri dish.

December 23^rd, transfer day was here!  It was a quick process, but left me with an amazing feeling that I could be a father very soon.  It was no longer a lifelong dream it was becoming reality, and was now starting to sink in.  I realized I was responsible not only for protecting BW, but also a very special group of cells inside her that could be my child in 9 months!  It was certainly exciting, and I could not have been more ready for it to happen.  On a side note we found out we only had 4 embryos out of the 14 that could be frozen.  It was disappointing after thinking we were armed with 14 potential babies, but we were just so happy and hopeful for it to work this time.  

After a few days BW took a home pregnancy test and there was a faint line!  It was early still so this was a good sign.  We were so excited, and again it seemed to be more real now than a dream.  Although it was so early, and still in such a fragile stage it was impossible not to be excited.  The test day seemed so far away and like it was never going to come.  We endured Christmas and New Year’s waiting to find out.  BW had been taking more tests and they were not getting stronger which was a bad sign.  By the time New Year’s Eve hit we basically knew it had not worked. The test confirmed that it began to implant, but then failed.  The fact that it didn’t work was so devastating and depressing.  We were so hopeful that it was going to work, and got so excited about it starting to work.  That high crashed into an ultimate low.  It basically felt like we lost a family member.  It was frustrating too because it brought the thoughts in my head of who is to say it will work next time, or ever.  I think that frustration was the worst part because we wanted it so badly.  That’s where our faith kicked in.  We know He has a plan for us, and it’s on His timing.  That definitely got us through that time, and reenergized our hopes for another round of IVF.

Not so fast!  We have another hold up to the plan.  Doc says we need to remove the cyst from BW and now is the best time before doing another round.  This meant big surgery for BW, which she had never had, nor had I.  It’s scary to think of going under, it’s scarier when it’s the person you cherish the most in your life that is going under.  Again, this is where the faith kicks in.   You pray to Him and you trust in Him that everything is going to work out, and that there is a good reason for it.  Of course the reason was to remove the cyst, make sure it was benign, and hopefully improve the baby making environment in there.  The strength and courage BW showed by going through this unknown experience of surgery was so impressive to me.  She made it through the surgery successfully, and the cyst removed was determined to be benign.  What a relief!!  I felt like a big cloud was lifted off of us.

After all of this BW is still more than ready to go through with another round.  This time it would be different because we were using frozen embryos.  BW would have to be injected daily for possibly up to 10 weeks, and this time I would have to be injecting her.  Although it was not my favorite thing I would have no problem because it was just what we had to do to achieve our dream.  I was surprised at how little it bothered me to do it, but I think BW was more surprised at how poor I was at it.  It’s kind of funny now, but wasn’t funny at the time.  The needle was longer and was not injecting the progesterone easily.  My hand would sometimes shake a little because of the force I needed to apply, and to compound that I couldn’t seem to take it out properly.  Needless to say I will not be attending nursing school, and BW has figured out how to do it herself.

Implantation day number two arrived quickly.  This time we decided we should put in two embryos in case one does not take like last time.  We also thought that having two at once would be good since that is our ideal number, and means we would not have to go through the ups and downs of the process again.  We had some practice babysitting three kids at once the four days prior to the implantation.  It was great experience for me since I really had none, other than teaching kids golf.  It was also an affirmation that two was the right number for us.  Man to man defense is easier than zone!  Don’t get me wrong though because we love those kids dearly.  

We are playing the waiting game to find out if this round is successful or not.  I’m positive we will be able to handle whatever situation Jesus throws our way.  Hope to bring exciting news to you soon!

DH