Negativity

So clearly if you are here reading this, you most likely know our story with infertility.  Or at least the general idea of what we have had to do to get to where we are today with this pregnancy.  Which by the way is over 21 weeks along!  I can't believe it! 

Anyway, I have to warn you that this is a bit of a rant.  It literally makes my skin crawl when a talk/text/message/email conversation goes something like this:

Other Party:  How are you feeling?

Me:  Great, just tired.

Other Party:  Get your sleep now.  You won't be getting any once the baby is here.

OR

Me:  Things have been going well.  I have been sleeping a lot but hubby is taking amazing care of me.

Other Party:  Enjoy the attention now.  Once that baby comes it will be all about him/her.

OR

Other Party:  How was your day?

Me:  Great!  I got a prenatal massage which has helped so much with my back pain/tension migraines!

Other Party:  Get your massages now because once that baby comes you won't have the time or the means to pamper yourself like that.  Your priorities will be different.

FIRST OFF!!  Thank you!  I never once thought to myself that I may lose some sleep once the baby comes.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I am going to lose sleep?  Is it too late to change my mind?  Glad you warned me!

Also, thank you for pointing out that my needs and my husbands needs will completely vanish once the baby arrives.  I am so glad you are telling me that we will have to put our attention on him or her.  I thought he/she could just care of themselves, no?  They are helpless tiny humans that need us for everything?  Thank you so much for telling me!  What would I do without you!?  

LASTLY, (almost) - I am so happy to know I will have no time on my hands and will be broke once my baby arrives.  Thank you.  

Maybe, just MAYBE I have thought this through ahead of time.  Maybe we BOTH agree that giving each other some alone time each day should be a PRIORITY in our lives.  MAYBE you didn't have a spouse that would literally give up their life to make you more comfortable, but I know for a fact that I would do that for my husband as he would for me. MAYBE my needs and my husbands needs will still be a priority in our lives.  BY NO MEANS a top priority, but a priority nonetheless.  You do realize that if we allowed each other to whither away miserably - all that would be is a detriment to our child's life.  Maybe our life won't end up as miserable as yours apparently was - or as miserable as you perceived it to be.

LASTLY (for real this time) - THANK YOU!  Thank you for taking one of the most exciting, positive times in our lives and pointing out all of the "negative" side effects.  Thank you for showing me that these past 4 years of torture to conceive were basically just to sign up for another 18 years of torture.  18 sleepless, uncomfortable, broke, miserable years.  I can't wait.  That's exactly what we were thinking when we wanted to start a family.  Thank you for warning me that my marriage will go down the tubes, and we will most likely become miserable parenting robots.

I realize that this will not be all rainbows and butterflies.  If ANYONE realizes this, it's us.  We know that we are going to have to roll with the punches and take life as it is thrown at us.  TRUST ME, WE KNOW!  We also know that we are going to screw up at times.  Probably a lot.  But we have each other to help put the pieces back together.  But again, Thank you. 

Did you ever stop to think that maybe I just CAN NOT WAIT to have a reason to lose sleep?  A little tiny, crying miracle reason to wake me up every 2 hours!  Did you ever stop to think that maybe I tortured my body for the past 4 years so that I can no longer be top priority in my own life on purpose?  I would have literally given up everything to have the opportunity to not have enough time for me to go get a massage.  I would have literally given my health up to ensure a little human will be in our lives to take away our sleep, our money and our time.  But that's not how I look at it.  AT ALL.  I look at it as an amazing opportunity that I have been beyond blessed to encounter.  That a baby, a tiny human, is growing inside of me and ALREADY depends on my health, my nutrition, and my care to survive.  Leaving a mark on this world by bringing up a healthy, happy child is something I could have only dreamed about and will soon be a reality. 

So please, the next time your speak to a pregnant woman - how about your join in on the positive side of things, about the miracle that is about to occur?  Let her enjoy what's happening in the present moment, rather than tell her all you know about what is going to happen next.  How about you let her excitement be your excitement, rather than bring her down with your crappy words of "wisdom."  

19 weeks from no sleep,

Lindsay

Gender Reveal . .

So this post looked completely different while I was working on it a few nights ago.  It was going through all of my exciting ideas, picture of decor, color themed foods, drinks and snacks, as well as Gender Reveal Party Favors... But now, I am able to happily say that we will not be finding out the sex of Baby A until his/her arrival!

I am elated!  I know DH wanted to find out pretty badly, so in true compromise fashion we agreed that if we found out, we would wait until July (Even though that was 7 weeks after we could have found out) - We were going to release balloons, and have a Team Pink/Team Blue themed gender reveal cookout with about 30-40 of our friends and family.  I am sad that the balloon release will not be happening, because I feel that the entire feel of the part was going to be amazing, but on the other hand I am so excited!  

I can not wait to be driving to the hospital without a clue as to who we will be meeting in just a few (hopefully) short hours!  The feeling DH will have when he gets to go into the waiting room and announce, "It's a _____!!!" to all of our friends and family who have come to welcome the new baby into our family.  And of course hand out cigars with the appropriate label on it.

Well I am so happy that DH decided he wanted to wait as well!!

By the way - tomorrow is our "20 weeks anatomy scan!"  Although I won't be quite 20 weeks, I can't believe I am almost halfway there!  This is going by so fast!  So rather than having the doctor or u/s tech check off the girl or boy box and seal it in the envelope - we will immediately be telling them that we do not want to know!

Momma to be,

Lindsay

Viable Pregnancy?

DH and I had never gotten to the point that we were able to hear a heartbeat from our little bean in the past.  When the time came for DH and I to go to our fertility clinic to check for a heartbeat which would make this a "viable pregnancy" - we were nervous to say the least.  We prayed that this would be our miracle, and that if it wasn't that we would be given the strength the handle the situation.  Although, if I am being completely honest, I did not think I would be able to handle it at all.  I thought to myself, "This is when I will go off the deep end." - Luckily, everything looked GREAT!  No Deep End for this girl!

Before we go to check for a heart beat we had 4 blood draws, which all indicated a positive pregnancy.  40 pregnancy tests by that point to ensure I was still pregnant and that the line continued to get darker as each day passed.  But of course, that had happened before with other IVF cycles, but around the time of hearing the heartbeat . . a miscarriage had occurred.  So we knew that we hadn't suffered a "loss" yet, but we were hoping and praying that there was at least 1 healthy little heart beating away.  

We transferred 2 embryos, and DH was hoping that both embryos took and that I was pregnant with twins.  And by hoping, we was outwardly wishing this and praying for it daily.  Ha!  If there were 2 heartbeats in there, I would have been ECSTATIC.  But again, if I am being honest - I was silently hoping and praying for just 1 healthy little bean.  There were pros and cons of each side, and we would love to have 2 children, but 2 at once seemed a little overwhelming - and with some of my blood conditions - multiples would cause a risk for issues along the way.  Anyway, when we got to the doctors and I was laying there waiting for my doctor to come in and do the ultrasound, I was thinking of how much our lives could change in the next 5 minutes.  We could actually be pregnant with the baby(ies) we have been working our asses off to get for the past 3-4 years, or I would end up probably, slightly, definitely binge drinking for a little while. (months if I were to predict - Ha!) - I also wondered how I would react to either scenario with the doctor in the room - Will I cry either way?  Will I get angry?  Either way I was sick of waiting and was not being very patient and all I wanted was the doctor in the room now so that we could find out if everything is good, or if the worst has happened.  Having hubby there by my side definitely calmed me down, and he was so reassuring that everything was going to be perfectly fine and that both little beans are so comfortable and healthy.  God bless him for being so great while I wasn't - but I could tell that he didn't really believe himself either - or at least there was a little doubt.

The doctor came in.  Got right to it... and BOOM - Our lives were changed forever.  A heartbeat.  A single, healthy, beautiful, most amazing sound I have ever heard is beating.  It was music to our ears.  Of course DH was still wondering if there was another heartbeat somewhere in there, but there wasn't ha. 

It's crazy that one sound can make all of the struggles beforehand seem like they never happened.  I would go through it all again knowing what I know now.  It all seemed surreal.  I knew we weren't out of the woods yet.  That with a history of multiple miscarriages we were at risk for another.  But for that moment, that day - it seemed like none of that mattered and I was PREGNANT.  Finally.

Happy and Pregnant,

Lindsay

Update 15wks. 4d.

So as most of you know, we are in fact PREGNANT!  Sorry I haven't been on here in ages!  We just announced it to the world a few days ago.  I know most women announce around 12 weeks, but due to our history - I was more hesitant in doing so.  We waited until we were 15 weeks.  The overwhelming support and love we have received in the past week has been amazing.  I wasn't "public" with our fertility struggle on social media throughout our struggle with infertility.  My close friends and family knew what we were going through, and some asked for updates frequently and we were happy to keep them in the loop.  And obviously I came here to keep everything documented and to vent, etc.  But I decided that when announcing I was going to be honest.  

I remember being heart broken over the past 3.5 years whenever I would see ANOTHER baby announcement.  Some days it didn't bother me, but most days it did.  Most of the time I was very happy for them, but I would honestly get very sad at the same time.  There were times that I would just delete the app on my phone for a few weeks to protect myself from getting upset.  It was obviously nobody's fault, but because I knew that was how it made me feel, and that there were PLENTY of other women who I have come to know over the past 3 years that felt the same way, I was very aware and sensitive towards that.  I decided that I had to be honest, and embrace the struggle that DH and I have overcome.  Tell people what we have been through, and that anything is possible.  I was nervous to do so, but the response was amazing.  There were about 8-10 ladies that have reached out to me after seeing my announcement.  Some have been TTC for a few years, and haven't had any luck, and didn't really know where to turn to get help.  Some ladies just figured they were "too late" and didn't want to reach out to a doctor, and some just felt that their OB didn't think anything was wrong, so they were just going to keep doing the same thing and keep trying (after 3 years).. Some who have been suffering silently after another miscarriage, etc.  I was happy that these ladies were reaching out.  Nobody should go through this alone.  I was able to give them advice, and fill them in on some of the things that helped me along the way.  I felt as if it was my turn to pay it forward like all of the ladies did for me when I started (and throughout) my journey.  I have made some amazing friends throughout this journey, and will continue to support them and encourage them along the way.  And I am eternally grateful for the ladies that helped me so much, and answered all of my crazy questions when I felt my Fertility doctor, OB, or Dr. Google didn't give me the "real" scoop on things.  And the times that I would over analyze every (hundreds) of pregnancy tests to see if there really was in fact a second line.  (Sometimes at 3 in the morning ha) - Thank you, ladies! 

Our announcement read:

"After almost 4 years of trying to conceive, 4 IVF cycles, 3 surgeries, 2 miscarriages and some bumps later.. Brent and I are so excited to announce that we will finally be a family of 3 in October!  Our little miracle is due on our 5 year wedding anniversary and we could not feel any more blessed!  Our love goes out to those who are still on their journey to their miracle baby"

These were the pictures that were attached to the announcement <3

Thank you again so much for you love and support along the way, and the love and support we have received now that we are finally pregnant with our little miracle.

Love,

Lindsay and Brent