Results.

                Well, we had 2 embryos transferred back in February.  And it was the longest waiting game ever.  I POAS a lot earlier than the actual Beta (Blood Pregnancy Test) Test that my RE schedules for me, which can be a good thing and a very bad thing at the same time.  A test line can be very faint, which may lead you to believe that you are pregnant and the hormone just isn’t strong enough, you may receive a false negative which may leave you feeling disappointed, even though it was just too early.  A faint line also may mean a chemical pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy.  So I believe that the reason doctors don’t suggest POAS before the Beta test is because it can cause unnecessary worry and stress that probably won’t help you as a hopeful mom.  Well . . needless to say, I COMPLETELY ignore that advice and POAS as soon as I think I can.  This time it happened to be at around 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer).  And I got the slightest faintest line.  I happened to POAS at approx. 3:00 in the morning and proceeded to wake hubby pants up and ask him if he could see the line . . Just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, or going crazy.  Well, hubby saw the VERY faint line.  So at this point, your levels are supposed to double every 48 hours (approximately), so the hope is that the second line will continue to get darker and darker until the second line is just as dark as the test line.  I decided I would check every 24 hours (or 12, what’s the difference?).  So I POAS about every 12 hours or so for the next 8 days, and you won’t believe it!!  The line got progressively darker with EVERY pee.  We were ecstatic!  We were cautiously optimistic.  We still had to wait for the first blood test so that we could find out that our numbers were at a healthy level. 

This was our progression

This was the morning of our 1st Beta test =)

                We went in for Beta test #1, and they were expecting a beta level of approximately 50.  My number was 45.  The second test done about 4 days later should have been anywhere from 160-200.  My number was a 180.  At this point we were shocked.  Our numbers are doing what they are ACTUALLY supposed to be doing.. So, although early, we decided we could go ahead and tell our immediate family.  My youngest sister was the first to find out that yes, we are pregnant, but we still need to remain cautiously optimistic.  Then our parents and other siblings were to follow.  But those were the only people at this time we thought it would be appropriate to share the news with, due to the high risk we were still at.  The next Beta test was approx. 4.5 days later, and our number should have been anywhere from 700-1100.  My number was an 1190!  We couldn’t believe it.  Our RE said that we are almost out of the woods.  We had another week to see the heartbeat, and at that point I would graduate from my RE and be a regular pregnant lady being seen by an OB.  We were thrilled.  I had so much fun telling my family.  It was really exciting to share our moment with them.  It was also awesome having that secret between DH and I for a little bit.  Just us.  <3

                Well that night after our final Beta Test, I stayed at my cousin’s house.  I unfortunately realized that there was quite a bit of blood that “had occurred” right before I was going to bed.  (around midnight)  I called my cousin into the room and asked what she thought I should do.  (I’ve never had this happen, and she has 3 little ones, and figured she would know what was best to do)  I called the on-call doctor and was informed that this is actually quite common for women in their first trimester.  I informed her that it was quite a lot, and it was definitely NOT just some spotting.  She told me that some women have a full fledged AF during their first trimester.  She advised me to relax as much as I could, and to keep my feet up until the bleeding has subsided.  I did just that, and fortunately the bleeding stopped the next morning, and just continued as brown spotting Saturday and a tiny slight amount of spotting Sunday/Monday.

That Monday I called my RE and asked if I could come in for an extra Beta test and possibly an U/S to check out everything that was going on.  They agreed upon a Beta Test, but said they weren’t sure that an U/S would help anything because a heartbeat would possibly still not be able to be heard.  I politely asked a few more times.  They agreed.  (Thank God)  They checked my cervix first, and the doctor said it was closed, which is a really good thing!  She said there was no blood found in there, which means it has completely subsided.  I did not have a full bladder so the U/S was not much help.  BUT . . we saw what she thought looked like a gestational sac.  She said she couldn’t confirm but the cervix being closed is a good thing, and the results from the Beta test that I would get that afternoon will give us the definite answer.  It was a long 5 hours to wait!

My RE called, and I could tell by her voice IMMEDIATELY that something was not right.  I knew before she said anything with any factual evidence stating what the results were, that this was not good news that I was going to be receiving.  To have DH standing by me and waiting to see my reaction, and not knowing how I would actually react if those dreaded words, that I think I am about to hear, ACTUALLY come out of the RE’s mouth was just so much for me to handle all at once.  She was not the RE that took my call on Friday night at Midnight, which was one of the other 2 RE’s in the practice.  She was not the RE that took my U/S and cervix exam that morning, which was the 3^rd RE in that practice.  This was our RE we have been working with closely for the past 8 months or so.  She decided to review what had happened over the weekend, and asked me a few questions first.  I don’t remember how I answered I was just a blur of anxiety at that point.  She then informed me that my levels had dropped substantially down to 215, which means that I had miscarried.  UGH.  We couldn’t believe it.  I was in shock when I first hung up.  We went from the highest of highs that I have ever experienced, to the lowest of lows in minutes.  I don’t remember the minute or two after hanging up with the doctor. I do remember staring into space and not allowing DH to hug me at first, and chugging an entire bottle of water...  Then I broke down in hubby’s arms. 

The last week has been a grieving process unlike anything I have ever experienced.  It is all a part of the healing process as well.  

We booked an appointment for a consult for round #3.  I think I am going to take a little time off.  I think I am going to take some ME time, but we want a plan and a timeline.  This hasn’t been easy, but someday I hope to look back and say, “it was SO worth it.”  That’s what is keeping me going . . a bunch of Hope and faith.  This is quite a long and emotional post, so I will be back in the next few days to finish up with the story, and let you know what is going on with round #3.

Thank you all for following along on this journey that we are on, and I am so sorry that I didn’t have some exciting news to share with you all.

                                                                -Lindsay

P.S. - if you don't know what any of my abbreviations mean, you can always look it up on My Abbreviation Index.

The Other Side

             Let me introduce myself as DH, the luckiest man alive!  I want to start by saying how proud and appreciative I am of Lindsay for going through this whole process.  I knew very little about IVF before we ever decided to see an RE.  I guess I just thought it was a sperm and an egg put together and implanted inside the woman.  All the shots, pills, hormones, surgeries, invasive examinations, and lifestyle limitations came as a little bit of a surprise you could say.  That’s why I am so proud of BW (beautiful wife) for going through all of this to try and bring a child into our lives.  I’m not sure I could handle it as well as her if it were me that had to do it.  

 

The process started this past summer/fall when we decided to see a doctor about infertility.  At that time we had been trying, or not trying to stop getting pregnant for about 2 years.  I didn’t really feel we had a problem at that point, and just figured in time it would happen.  Well, I was wrong.  The Doc sent me for a sperm analysis and my BW for a bunch of tests much more invasive than mine.  My numbers came back very low, and with low motility.  I didn’t understand it because I am only 30 years old and lead a relatively healthy lifestyle.  All my life I think I took it for granted I would get married and have kids whenever we were ready and as many as we wanted.  Looking back on it now I know that I would not have appreciated the miracle of a pregnancy and all that goes into it as much as I do now.  That has certainly been the blessing of this situation.

I had a couple of more tests done in the following months after trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, but to no avail.  My numbers got slightly better one time, but went back down the next.  Off to the urologist to see what the cause of my issue is.  Turns out I have varicoceles, dilation of my veins near the testis that allows blood to pool which creates heat that kills my sperm.  Surgery can fix this condition, but is not guaranteed to improve my fertility problems.  There was a good chance it would improve it, but again it might not have been enough to make a baby naturally.  

We met with the RE again to put together all the info and decided to go for it right away with IVF and put off my surgery for the time being.  The meeting left us with very positive feelings towards IVF working, and elated to know that we could possibly have a baby growing in less than a month.  I was also happy I did not have to have surgery immediately.  I have never had any surgery, and the thought of it is certainly intimidating to me.  I do not like the thought of blood or needles never mind actually getting incisions in my man area.  Nevertheless I would have and still will do it if it is going to help us have a child.

Now the fun begins.  After a couple of weeks on birth control to reset her system Lindsay begins with the IVF drugs.  She had to inject herself twice a day by needle in the stomach.  Again needles are probably my least favorite thing ever.  When I give blood I cannot watch anything.  I figure if I don’t see it, it’s not happening.  I know, I am a wimp.  This is one reason I am so proud of Lindsay, she handled everything like a champ.  Now there were more frequent visits to the RE to monitor everything.  I looked forward to these visits because they were part of our baby making journey.  Although it was a little awkward watching another woman probing my wife with a sword like instrument.  Again, if you don’t look at it directly, it’s not happening.  A point of concern arose during these ultrasounds.  Lindsay had what looked like a cyst either attached to her ovary or very close to it.  This seemed scary, but the doctor gave the ok to continue the process while monitoring the cyst.  We did monitor it, but I think it took a back seat to the fact BW had so many healthy eggs developing.

While BW definitely was handling everything like a champ she was definitely feeling some painful effects.  The injection areas were sore and the bloating was extremely painful for her.  I definitely don’t like to see her in pain, especially when I can’t do much to help her.  It’s amazing to me that she would go through all of this to have a child with me.  I am truly blessed to have her as my wife.  After two weeks of this it was time for the egg retrieval.  BW had to get knocked out so they could get her eggs.  Again, this stuff makes me uneasy, but through my faith I knew all would be ok.  After giving my sample and a little wait all was well because my BW was back in her room alive and healthy, although a little loopy haha.  The doctors came back with very good news that they retrieved 22 eggs and that although my count was still low they were able to find some sperm that should were good enough to create an embryo with BW’s egg.  We were both very excited about this.  

We had thought that during the retrieval they were going to examine and possibly take out the cyst near BW’s ovary, but that did not happen.  The doctors were monitoring it, but did not seem too concerned about it at this point.  BW then singlehandedly boosted the stock value of Gatorade and every protein bar imaginable.  She was instructed to stay extremely hydrated with electrolytes and protein to help prevent bloating.  She did as instructed, but was still feeling poorly from the bloating.  Again this was tough to watch because I couldn’t do anything to help her.  We received more good news though that we had created 14 embryos!  It was crazy to think we had 14 potential babies of ours in a Petri dish.

December 23^rd, transfer day was here!  It was a quick process, but left me with an amazing feeling that I could be a father very soon.  It was no longer a lifelong dream it was becoming reality, and was now starting to sink in.  I realized I was responsible not only for protecting BW, but also a very special group of cells inside her that could be my child in 9 months!  It was certainly exciting, and I could not have been more ready for it to happen.  On a side note we found out we only had 4 embryos out of the 14 that could be frozen.  It was disappointing after thinking we were armed with 14 potential babies, but we were just so happy and hopeful for it to work this time.  

After a few days BW took a home pregnancy test and there was a faint line!  It was early still so this was a good sign.  We were so excited, and again it seemed to be more real now than a dream.  Although it was so early, and still in such a fragile stage it was impossible not to be excited.  The test day seemed so far away and like it was never going to come.  We endured Christmas and New Year’s waiting to find out.  BW had been taking more tests and they were not getting stronger which was a bad sign.  By the time New Year’s Eve hit we basically knew it had not worked. The test confirmed that it began to implant, but then failed.  The fact that it didn’t work was so devastating and depressing.  We were so hopeful that it was going to work, and got so excited about it starting to work.  That high crashed into an ultimate low.  It basically felt like we lost a family member.  It was frustrating too because it brought the thoughts in my head of who is to say it will work next time, or ever.  I think that frustration was the worst part because we wanted it so badly.  That’s where our faith kicked in.  We know He has a plan for us, and it’s on His timing.  That definitely got us through that time, and reenergized our hopes for another round of IVF.

Not so fast!  We have another hold up to the plan.  Doc says we need to remove the cyst from BW and now is the best time before doing another round.  This meant big surgery for BW, which she had never had, nor had I.  It’s scary to think of going under, it’s scarier when it’s the person you cherish the most in your life that is going under.  Again, this is where the faith kicks in.   You pray to Him and you trust in Him that everything is going to work out, and that there is a good reason for it.  Of course the reason was to remove the cyst, make sure it was benign, and hopefully improve the baby making environment in there.  The strength and courage BW showed by going through this unknown experience of surgery was so impressive to me.  She made it through the surgery successfully, and the cyst removed was determined to be benign.  What a relief!!  I felt like a big cloud was lifted off of us.

After all of this BW is still more than ready to go through with another round.  This time it would be different because we were using frozen embryos.  BW would have to be injected daily for possibly up to 10 weeks, and this time I would have to be injecting her.  Although it was not my favorite thing I would have no problem because it was just what we had to do to achieve our dream.  I was surprised at how little it bothered me to do it, but I think BW was more surprised at how poor I was at it.  It’s kind of funny now, but wasn’t funny at the time.  The needle was longer and was not injecting the progesterone easily.  My hand would sometimes shake a little because of the force I needed to apply, and to compound that I couldn’t seem to take it out properly.  Needless to say I will not be attending nursing school, and BW has figured out how to do it herself.

Implantation day number two arrived quickly.  This time we decided we should put in two embryos in case one does not take like last time.  We also thought that having two at once would be good since that is our ideal number, and means we would not have to go through the ups and downs of the process again.  We had some practice babysitting three kids at once the four days prior to the implantation.  It was great experience for me since I really had none, other than teaching kids golf.  It was also an affirmation that two was the right number for us.  Man to man defense is easier than zone!  Don’t get me wrong though because we love those kids dearly.  

We are playing the waiting game to find out if this round is successful or not.  I’m positive we will be able to handle whatever situation Jesus throws our way.  Hope to bring exciting news to you soon!

DH

The Waiting Game

I am going to be honest  . . over the past 2 weeks or so I have wanted to post on here numerous amounts of time, but I didn't know what to say.  I had NOTHING to update you on.  I had no REAL information to give you, and no insight as to what to expect, or what I was expecting.  I can tell you right now that there is no early m/c which happened last time.  We have not had dear AF showing up uninvited.  But even those words make me nervous to type, because this is such an unknown when it comes to IVF.  I must celebrate the small victories..  So this is a victory.  No sign of an early miscarriage is a hurdle we never made it over last cycle, so for this we celebrate.

Waiting in this stage of the game is such a weird feeling.  Can I be excited that AF hasn’t arrived?  Should I be upset and worried about every twinge I am feeling?  Are those twinges a good thing, or a bad thing?  Am I allowed to feel anxious, or will that prevent the fetus from implanting into the uterine wall?  There are so many things exciting about this process, and so many things that could potentially worry you and go wrong.  All of these things, exciting and not so exciting, are what have been holding me back from posting on here.  I really don’t know what to say.  Some of these past days I have been the most positive, excited, confident gal when it came to this cycle and this whole process . . and others, I have been the total opposite.  On days where I am the total opposite, I don’t even want to hear from me . . lol, so I was sure you didn’t.

            So now . . we wait.  Prayers and Sticky Baby Dust is exactly what we need . . so if anyone has any extra of either we would appreciate them!     

            I am VERY excited to announce that there will be a surprise guest posting on here very soon!  I am sure everyone will love to hear from him!

                                                Sticky Baby Dust to All . .

                                                            Lindsay

Abbreviations

So, I use abbreviations in almost all of my posts.  If you are familiar with reading infertility blogs, you probably know most of them.  If you are not familiar with infertility blogs then this will be a very useful tool for ya!

FET – Frozen Embryo Transfer  - That is a cycle which involves your embryos that were left over from a fresh IVF cycle, and frozen for future transfers.

AF – Aunt Flow – Your period

BFN – Big Fat Negative – Negative Pregnancy Test

BFP – Big Fat Positive – Positive Pregnancy Test

DH – Darling Hubby

DD – Darling Daughter

DS – Darling Son

HPT – Home Pregnancy Test

IVF – In Vitro Fertilization

POAS – Pee on a stick

PT – Pregnancy Test

RE – Reproductive Endocrinologist – A doctor that specializes in Infertility

TTC – Trying to conceive

2ww – 2 week wait

5dp5dt – 5 days post 5 day transfer.  This indicates how many days you are since the transfer.  There are usually 5 day transfers and 3 day transfers.  I have done all 5 day.

I am sure there are others that I have used that I haven’t put in here . . so I will edit this as the blog continues to ensure that I include them all over time.

                                                                                                Praying for Baby Dust,

                                                                                                                Lindsay