Results.

                Well, we had 2 embryos transferred back in February.  And it was the longest waiting game ever.  I POAS a lot earlier than the actual Beta (Blood Pregnancy Test) Test that my RE schedules for me, which can be a good thing and a very bad thing at the same time.  A test line can be very faint, which may lead you to believe that you are pregnant and the hormone just isn’t strong enough, you may receive a false negative which may leave you feeling disappointed, even though it was just too early.  A faint line also may mean a chemical pregnancy or an ectopic pregnancy.  So I believe that the reason doctors don’t suggest POAS before the Beta test is because it can cause unnecessary worry and stress that probably won’t help you as a hopeful mom.  Well . . needless to say, I COMPLETELY ignore that advice and POAS as soon as I think I can.  This time it happened to be at around 5dp5dt (5 days post 5 day transfer).  And I got the slightest faintest line.  I happened to POAS at approx. 3:00 in the morning and proceeded to wake hubby pants up and ask him if he could see the line . . Just to make sure I wasn’t seeing things, or going crazy.  Well, hubby saw the VERY faint line.  So at this point, your levels are supposed to double every 48 hours (approximately), so the hope is that the second line will continue to get darker and darker until the second line is just as dark as the test line.  I decided I would check every 24 hours (or 12, what’s the difference?).  So I POAS about every 12 hours or so for the next 8 days, and you won’t believe it!!  The line got progressively darker with EVERY pee.  We were ecstatic!  We were cautiously optimistic.  We still had to wait for the first blood test so that we could find out that our numbers were at a healthy level. 

This was our progression

This was the morning of our 1st Beta test =)

                We went in for Beta test #1, and they were expecting a beta level of approximately 50.  My number was 45.  The second test done about 4 days later should have been anywhere from 160-200.  My number was a 180.  At this point we were shocked.  Our numbers are doing what they are ACTUALLY supposed to be doing.. So, although early, we decided we could go ahead and tell our immediate family.  My youngest sister was the first to find out that yes, we are pregnant, but we still need to remain cautiously optimistic.  Then our parents and other siblings were to follow.  But those were the only people at this time we thought it would be appropriate to share the news with, due to the high risk we were still at.  The next Beta test was approx. 4.5 days later, and our number should have been anywhere from 700-1100.  My number was an 1190!  We couldn’t believe it.  Our RE said that we are almost out of the woods.  We had another week to see the heartbeat, and at that point I would graduate from my RE and be a regular pregnant lady being seen by an OB.  We were thrilled.  I had so much fun telling my family.  It was really exciting to share our moment with them.  It was also awesome having that secret between DH and I for a little bit.  Just us.  <3

                Well that night after our final Beta Test, I stayed at my cousin’s house.  I unfortunately realized that there was quite a bit of blood that “had occurred” right before I was going to bed.  (around midnight)  I called my cousin into the room and asked what she thought I should do.  (I’ve never had this happen, and she has 3 little ones, and figured she would know what was best to do)  I called the on-call doctor and was informed that this is actually quite common for women in their first trimester.  I informed her that it was quite a lot, and it was definitely NOT just some spotting.  She told me that some women have a full fledged AF during their first trimester.  She advised me to relax as much as I could, and to keep my feet up until the bleeding has subsided.  I did just that, and fortunately the bleeding stopped the next morning, and just continued as brown spotting Saturday and a tiny slight amount of spotting Sunday/Monday.

That Monday I called my RE and asked if I could come in for an extra Beta test and possibly an U/S to check out everything that was going on.  They agreed upon a Beta Test, but said they weren’t sure that an U/S would help anything because a heartbeat would possibly still not be able to be heard.  I politely asked a few more times.  They agreed.  (Thank God)  They checked my cervix first, and the doctor said it was closed, which is a really good thing!  She said there was no blood found in there, which means it has completely subsided.  I did not have a full bladder so the U/S was not much help.  BUT . . we saw what she thought looked like a gestational sac.  She said she couldn’t confirm but the cervix being closed is a good thing, and the results from the Beta test that I would get that afternoon will give us the definite answer.  It was a long 5 hours to wait!

My RE called, and I could tell by her voice IMMEDIATELY that something was not right.  I knew before she said anything with any factual evidence stating what the results were, that this was not good news that I was going to be receiving.  To have DH standing by me and waiting to see my reaction, and not knowing how I would actually react if those dreaded words, that I think I am about to hear, ACTUALLY come out of the RE’s mouth was just so much for me to handle all at once.  She was not the RE that took my call on Friday night at Midnight, which was one of the other 2 RE’s in the practice.  She was not the RE that took my U/S and cervix exam that morning, which was the 3^rd RE in that practice.  This was our RE we have been working with closely for the past 8 months or so.  She decided to review what had happened over the weekend, and asked me a few questions first.  I don’t remember how I answered I was just a blur of anxiety at that point.  She then informed me that my levels had dropped substantially down to 215, which means that I had miscarried.  UGH.  We couldn’t believe it.  I was in shock when I first hung up.  We went from the highest of highs that I have ever experienced, to the lowest of lows in minutes.  I don’t remember the minute or two after hanging up with the doctor. I do remember staring into space and not allowing DH to hug me at first, and chugging an entire bottle of water...  Then I broke down in hubby’s arms. 

The last week has been a grieving process unlike anything I have ever experienced.  It is all a part of the healing process as well.  

We booked an appointment for a consult for round #3.  I think I am going to take a little time off.  I think I am going to take some ME time, but we want a plan and a timeline.  This hasn’t been easy, but someday I hope to look back and say, “it was SO worth it.”  That’s what is keeping me going . . a bunch of Hope and faith.  This is quite a long and emotional post, so I will be back in the next few days to finish up with the story, and let you know what is going on with round #3.

Thank you all for following along on this journey that we are on, and I am so sorry that I didn’t have some exciting news to share with you all.

                                                                -Lindsay

P.S. - if you don't know what any of my abbreviations mean, you can always look it up on My Abbreviation Index.